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[25 Sep 2004|10:05am] |
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***********
I am still not anywhere.Just in case anyone would like to know!
Goodbye, cruel journal.
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[24 Sep 2004|10:00pm] |
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mood |
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yawntacular. |
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music |
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David Bowie- Suffragette City |
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aaawwwwwwwww....
Wham, bam ThAnKyou Ma'AM!
God, the new table addition to the update page is really....really ever present.
When I press TAB, I just wanna get to the entry box.
But NERP. THIS SET OF LINKS NOW.
Wore a geisha dress yesterday (my mom tagged it 'too slutty and formal' in terms of casual wear), got the new Bjork CD, and the stuff I'm not allowed to talk about just falls into my eyes like dirt from a dirty earthworm-filled pit.
And I've been trying to yawn all fucking day, but I can't really reach the actual climax of the yawn ITSELF. I do declare, this'll unravel into some slight problem.
FUCK YES.
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[18 Sep 2004|11:43pm] |
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mood |
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AHAHA. |
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music |
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They Might Be Giants- Particle Man |
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Oh, capital! A newish layout!
For some reason it reminds me of the 'I'm an elite 'artist' and your journal is of no interest to an elite 'artist' like the me' type of people (hmph!)...but I love the colour scheme and font.
Do check it out.
♥!
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| about a creature called lust. |
[18 Sep 2004|05:51pm] |
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music |
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Velvet Underground- What Goes On |
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- -
There's a so-called mangod for almost everything created and celebrated, or so it feels.
I always think that I'm constantly ripping off others and it's never true. I guess because there's always this lingering fear, dangling in my skull like a cobweb, that subconsciously, I know what the hell I'm doing.
If there's an accident, one person can describe it in certain words without even thinking about it and it's suddenly beautiful. Another can destroy everything some more and make it seem even uglier than it really is.
Everyone always has ideas of what they're gonna do, and when they don't it comes out perfectly anyway. Nothing for me ever comes out like that.
I'm learning to enjoy making accidents out of accidents.
Smashing things into shapeless objects until virtually disintergrated, and gluing a bunch of random letters together as if it's some sort of description.
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| >> exercises |
[18 Sep 2004|12:36am] |
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music |
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Tom Waits- Alice |
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I cry when I realise because I'll never have what I want.
Guess I've been trying to get used to that.
It's only empty air crawling above the plain and around my ankles.
Will I forever walk just wondering what's next or will I find new paths?
ALl is full of pits and destruction only one with an inquisitive mind would approach.
And each pit I unwittingly fall into, there's a fucking staircase.
A really long one that always leads up to unfamiliar landscapes that I eventually get used to.
Because there's always the familiar gust of wind with a force blowing in familiar circles out of the same straw, like a birth canal.
And there's never any chaos for me to be entangled in.
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| I do declare: |
[14 Sep 2004|06:19pm] |
I'm shaving the hair underneath on my scalp, and bleaching what'll remain.
And HOPEFULLY getting my septum pierced.
*
There are two suspicious lumps on me right now. A tiny one on the back of my neck (Marlena), and a noticeably larger one near my chin (...a little unsure of their name right now). My friend Anna suggested that I have chin cancer...hm.
My mom said they're probably tumors, but not a big deal. I'm getting them checked out as soon as an appointment is made.
Hey.
What's your sign, schmookiebear?
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[11 Sep 2004|11:15pm] |
RavenEyeZ268: itz funny u cant say hii huh
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: i can.
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: its funny that was extremely strange a statement...
RavenEyeZ268: u think i didnt kno that waz you at walbounds that night
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: what is 'walbounds'
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: and, oh yeah, WTF!??!?
RavenEyeZ268: wat..?
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: look, you're not making much sense
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: and i don't even know who you are...
RavenEyeZ268:
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: um, okay?
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: what do you want?
RavenEyeZ268: yeah wen u walked out of the store wit your hand on your face..
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: huh?
RavenEyeZ268: u really think i didnt kno it waz you
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: what?
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: what fucking store?
RavenEyeZ268: wauldbaums
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: oh. ?
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: well, dearling, i just got back from vacation four nites ago, so it's highly doubtable that it was me
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: plus, i have pretty poor eyesight, so i probably didn't even notice you
RavenEyeZ268: Yeah u did ... n so did your 2 friends
RavenEyeZ268: and it waz the beginning of the summer
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: what two friends
RavenEyeZ268: achully mid summer
RavenEyeZ268: why do you act weird now all asudden?
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: wtf are you talking about? i haven't even talked to you for two years
RavenEyeZ268: i know but wen i try to talk to you .. itz like you act all i dunno ..
RavenEyeZ268: watever...ubecame a freak
X PlAtiNuM bAbi: oh, thanks?
Xplat is me...raveneye is this girl I used to know. And no, I haven't even been to wauld'bounds' in quite a long time; nevertheless did I even hang out with any of my friends this summer.
march 01, 2006:
covered in trash: i'm being sent ims from this girl
covered in trash: i was friends with until ninth grade
covered in trash: and the last time we spoke she was a bitch. and now she's pretending to be nice to me so i can remove an entry with her being mean to me on aim on my old journal
covered in trash: it's so STUPID
Beauty Executes: wow, girls are annoying.
covered in trash: no fucking apology or anything!!
Beauty Executes: well, eff her.
whatever. i never allow myself to get walked all over if i realise that's what's happening.
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| six oh eight; the sky is still light on cleveland avenue |
[11 Sep 2004|06:06pm] |
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mood |
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 gragh. |
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I hate Long Island.
I want to move to the city, if I'm ever in a position comfortable enough (financially, i guess) to do so...
I'd love to.
But there's this huge stereotype about New Yorkers and 70% of the time it's kinda true.
That they're all jaded or pretentious.
I'd hate to give in to that.
*
I know it's true one should be loyal to themselves all the time, but half of the time I just want to give in to my desires.
I don't always want to be an artist, but I have to.
I don't always think I'm ugly, but I have to.
I don't want to always be smart, but I have to.
(it'sjustwhatiamandihaveto.)
Relocating to Manhattan has been an ambition since my dad and stepmom moved from there, when I was twelve.
I miss it immenseley, it really is incredible. Not just the architecture or the scenery...
But you just redeem this feeling that it's okay to be yourself for the time being. It's indescribible (to me anyway).
Even the extreme pollution is something that I can get used to (not that I don't hate it).
But sometimes I just want to move further down the coast. To Maryland, or such.
Just because I wanna move away from part of myself. But here is where I am and will always be.
*
But I shouldn't be complaining.
I 'hate' EVERYTHING, don't I?
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| This is probably just me... |
[11 Sep 2004|03:56pm] |
But it seems like out of the half hour I've seen of television today, 90% of the commercials were red, white, and blue themed. But...
Not ONE 'We shall never forget'-ish commercial.
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| well slap my ass. |
[10 Sep 2004|06:21pm] |
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mood |
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strangely strange |
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Okay. I'm thinking of adding as many people to my LiveJournal friends list as possible, whether I like them or not. Then, I'll remove the ones that added me, and keep the elitist assholes that didn't, so either community will feel bad for me, add me, out of not understanding why nobody else will. It's brilliant (not that it'll work...)!
Yeah, bitch. Isn't my journal 'of an interest' to you now!
I was invited to hang out with Katherine and the gang tonite, yet I insist on improving my mad scientist ways.
*
Sven is seriously the most entertaining homemade comic series I've ever read. And I'm being featured in part three! Eee!...and other nonsensical outbursts!
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| dance cannibalistic clown dance |
[09 Sep 2004|07:32pm] |
LIVEJOURNAL MAKES ME DEVELOP INTENSE DISLIKE FOR PEOPLE.
I wrote this in the library before:
The man sitting next to me keeps switching between the activities of stretching and yawning (I have headphones on, but I can see from the corner of my eye, his mouth is so wide open that he's either screaming or yawning), and giving simultaneous little glances at me while typing. Who is this man and what is his interest? Perhaps he's describing me to somebody through AOL Instant Messenger, and has to keep looking back, quickly, so I don't catch him, to examine me some more. Could it be? Oh, surely that'd be a suprise! Other possibility is that I'm having another episode of paranoia and am so used to them that I don't even realise it. By George, is that it?
Christ on a tricycle. I love having conversations with myself in my head.
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| I am. |
[07 Sep 2004|01:07pm] |
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Anyone still listening?
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| how the walls bend when you breathe in: |
[03 Sep 2004|10:44am] |
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mood |
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thermometerbreak. |
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music |
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david bowie- diamond dogs |
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Funny how I find someone to be lovely, and than I find out that they live around here and I'm in complete shock. Because nobody around where I live is really very...I don't know. My cup of tea (at least the kids my age)?
Okay, that sounds concieted but I don't know how else to put it (Maybe it's because I'm so lonely).
I need a washcloth to polish the surface of my eyes...
so dirty and foggy.
And I'm caught up with the loveliness of this one person that I'm just now realising that I never previous had enough space to realise I actually LOVE them [...maybe so].
That wouldn't suck.
It could be my little secret, just like everything else that keeps my gravity at a healthy maintnance.
Oh, when will the mercury bead up?
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[11 Aug 2004|02:08pm] |
Well, I've been doing a pretty impressive job pretending today isn't my birthday, I don't think anyone other than my sister or mother [irl] even know it is...
Every year it feels like just a tiny reminder that people have been very careless and irresponsible, they make tremendous messes and don't even care about who cleans it up for them or a damn about how I feel. I get so paranoid about these things because I've experienced them so often. But than you realise that nobody'll apoligise for causing pain, you just have to dust it off and not be bitter, it'll happen again but next time I'll have my guard up.
Last nite I hung out with a few friends. I was afraid I was acting too shy at times, but I wasn't uncomfortable, just a little aloof. There's a horrendous picture of me floating around one of their journals and I'm positive there's DOOMED to be more.
Well.
Au Revoir.
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[08 Aug 2004|06:24pm] |
*
Last nite, or probably the wee hours of this morning, I awoke from a string of interesting dreams, to hear the sound of an alarm go off from across the street. It was a house alarm, and I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've heard one go off in the middle of the nite.
And couple of minutes later I heard a CAR alarm go off (even though those rambunction rascals always make noise, those motherfuckers.)...[!]
What frightened me most about this, sadly, was that the house alarm was loud ringing, followed by a monotone, mechanical-sounding robotic voice repeating 'Alert! Alert! Alert!' (it was creepy), as opposed to the fact that a stray bullet might've torn through my wall and landed in my brain. For some reason noise always seems to come before sight for me. I mean, for instance, when I was little I was scared shitless of the show 'Cops', because in the opening credits the cop always said, 'Mr. Shapiro, please get out of the car.' (Shapiro=my last name, hence also my fathers).
I think that if I were to reach the brink of insanity, I'd rather have hallucinations than hear voices in my head.
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[08 Aug 2004|06:22pm] |
I feel very vulnerable to criticism at times...
It's as if I actually listen to what somebody has to say, and I let myself believe it's true and I feel very, very, fake. Like how I've been acting as of recently is just a facade, a mask to myself that I really do know who I am and once things are said I'm unmasked, I look in the mirror and realise just how ugly I am. On the inside. And out, always out.
Which is strange because I don't generally care if people like me or not. I know a lot of people say that and prove themselves wrong soon afterwards, but even in elementary school I made it a GOAL to stand out and was even a leader of the whole anti-popular kids movement [;)]. And now, I have virtually no 'serious' relationships in my life. Aside from all the dysfunctional ones, that is. I suppose I can thank my not giving a shit for that, or it can be my sensitivity (individuality does NOT heighten ones sense of toughness).
Goddammit, I was about to write something good in addition to the previous paragraphs but I've FORGOTTEN what I was gonna say. Shitpiss.
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| monsters, they eat your kind of meat. |
[08 Aug 2004|04:44pm] |
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music |
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Switchblade Symphony- Witches [live in Tokyo] |
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Oh man, I had the most crazy adventure last night since my blood and lemon expedition! Okay it was a dream, but at least it felt real.
So my dad, stepmother, little sister and I went to stay at a hotel, and in the middle of the stay we decided to go to a pool. I said I left my bathing suit at the hotel, so they told me to go fetch it. And what else do I have to whip out but my very own magickal BROOMSTICK. Somehow I got lost even though they dropped me off right in FRONT of the hotel door, so I decided to take it for a bit of a spin. Everytime I got scared, I lost control of the broomstick and dived down, but than it went up on it's own. Just. Awesome. But I never did find the bathing suit.
When I'm old enough to do so...
I'm going to make it a goal to learn how to fly (i.e: plane).
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[03 Aug 2004|07:27pm] |
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I had another 'sleep attack' last nite...
Frightening.
I'm not gonna get into detail about it, I already did so in my DeadJournal. But I will say that I'm never going back to sleep again.
On another note, I would kill to be a Suicide Girl.
Happy birthday Christina!!! ;D
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| deeper |
[01 Aug 2004|10:37pm] |
I saw Audition last nite at the Pleasantville film center, a picture in which I'm not sure if it would've been as good if it weren't chock full of blood and severed body parts. But it did heighten my awareness of danger, even though it was really suposed to make me aware of female politics in Japan. Swell enough. The nite before I saw Spiderman 2 in IMAX, today I saw Two Brothers, which was more emotionally draining than I thought it would be. I have been seeing too many movies this summer (my favorite ones so far are Avalon and Catwoman; least is I, Robot), and I enjoy it.
And reading too many books. Right now I'm reading The Great Gatsby.
One without any friends maintains a privelage in entertainment.
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chaotic_doll's journal